He pulled me to his chest, enveloping me in his scarecrow arms. He kissed my cheek, then my neck and face, all the while running his hands across my back as if he were searching for something he had misplaced. He told me that I am his compass; steady, guiding, and always true.
I cradled his head against the valley in my hands and his breeze grazed the lips of my memory bank.
He enveloped me in his scarecrow arms.
I never wanted to let go.
You came to collect me in the morning.
I ran to meet you, my battered shoes slapping the dry, dead earth. dust rose behind me.
I threw my arms around your neck as you spun us about, right there in that field.
I breathed in as my nose brushed your collar. And your redolent scent filled my lungs. A scent I remember exquisitely well, even in dreams.
It’s as if the core of every adventure we had ever conducted was extracted and drained carefully into a diminutive glass bottle and labeled ‘S’. the essence of our secret hide aways in the back woods, the records we listened to, the beach, and so much more all packed into the reminiscent smell of your tanned, freckled skin.
You wreak of summer, plain and simple.
i abandoned my family to roam the earth on insufferable feet, encrusted with cuts that absorb all of the dirt which clings to my skin. Ive got pressed flowers from ireland, postcards from portugal, and headaches that leave me breathless like singapour. theres a shiver in these pine trees, they shake their needles off. across the quiet stretches of the forest where i was taught all that i know for living, a frost settles soft upon each leaf the ground has made a grave for. I burry them under my weight with each step, crisp recognition of my existence echoes up to my ears. As the sun sets on the longest and loneliest day of my life, I think of him, and I briefly feel anguish. Snow begins to fall and an owl calls to me, hooting as if he wants to know the inner workings of my incredibly human mind. The branch where he perches sways seductively, beckoning me to join. With an air of sincere apology, I nod, and let the wind carry me onward.
folded inside of a curious mind, i slip away across the other side of paradise. everything is here and right where it belongs. i reach for infamy, but they say ive already achieved it. so wheres my medal? an over worked mouth attached to under kissed lips, and they are stealing all of the spotlight. so unpretentious, yet so demanding of attention. you were holding my hand and i was holding my breath. blood filled my cheeks obnoxiously. Furrowed brows and heavy eyes, wont you rest your head on me again? woven intricately in between the delicate way i viewed you, the same way i wanted you to. Show some spine and stand up, ive been spilling my guts. You won’t be happy till ive bleed out completely, and for what? I did wrong by you, i know, but you’re doing worse to me. Say what you mean or sew your jaw shut. You keep telling me to go, but he says you want me to stay. So what do you want? I deserve better than this. Packing up my suitcase and it’s full of excuses. I kind of want to sleep forever. I reach for you in a dream. You run.
20 years ago today i was born with a purple face and my umbilical chord wrapped around my neck. I threw a party last night for my birthday, and it was pretty awesome, and deep as hell, until it got invaded by some gang that decided to bash my friends face in. I put my cigarette out on one of the dudes heads. Then the house proceeded to get swarmed by cops, but luckily no one went to jail or anything. All of the underage people had to leave [which was about 70%, myself included]. My ex and his friends drove me and frank around for some reason, I was really high/drunk and couldnt process what was happening accurately. My ex left us at a mcdonalds, and then proceeded to call my dead phone three times, probably so he could tell me how much loves me, in his inebriated slur. When he’s sober he doesnt even like me and treats me like paper, disposable and easily obtainable, but hes wrong. frank had aaron [aka popcorn aka poppy] and his friend drive us back to his house. poppy was so drunk he lit a cigarette in the bathroom at mcdonalds. we got back to columbia city and frank and i watched your highness, during which he said, “do you hear that? thats the sound of us not cuddling”. i proceeded to fall asleep on his arm. this morning we woke up at 8 and smoked some hash and then i went home. my mom went crazy with the decorating and did my room and the kitchen in all of this pokemon birthday stuff. its great. now im here, and a boy just brought me my favorite flowers and cookies. my mom is making dinner and im about to pass out. thank you world for helping me survive these past two decades.
Sets of matching bone and muscle collide incessantly, ending the parade of music being played separately, yet collectively. I look at him. He is beaming, glowing outward every fiber of happiness in his body. The skin on his face stretches as tightly as possible across his features as he smiles the most overwhelmingly beautiful smile I have ever seen. Sincere amazement and love shoot from his every glance, each rise and fall of his chest full of thankfulness. I’ve been waiting half a lifetime to meet him, to embrace him and be seen in his eyes. I’ve paid my dues. Ive never seen the top, and I am all too familiar with the shallow grave which is the bottom. I’ve been fucked up and fucked over and I have been through hell. And then I see him. That face, that smile, that man…and he is all I see. I begin to weep, there is so much emotion floating through the room, like solar flares hitting the walls of a magnetic box. This moment he will remember for the rest of his life. I remind him when ever he looks at me. We are alive and we are young and we are sensational. And I never want to forget this. I never want it to end. I want to harvest the minutes and spread them in reverse on each day I touch. Today was yesterday’s encore. Tomorrow shall be all the more grand. I will keep you like a kiss in the corner of my my mouth, always.
What is wrong with people? You only want to be with someone if they can fuck with your head and make you feel like shit? That is not love! That is not friendship! And I dont want that. I’m not going to settle for someone who thinks I deserve that or that I am worth less than that. I will find someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I will find someone who treats me like a goddess and who appreciates all of the little things I do for them. I vow right this moment to never again date someone who does not respect me, who does not cherish me, and who does not care about me. I am stoked. I hope some of you will vow the same thing.
I figure he’s worth it, maybe. That’s how I sold myself on this. I must prepare my mind as my friends feine over shots. What does he want me to do? I wish I could dissect that brain of his, because I know there’s more he hasn’t said. Every time we converse I feel burdening due to his responses. This is not who he poised himself as at first, it’s sickening the difference. I just want to ease a troubled mind the way that I used to. I know what I have to do, at least to salvage myself , it’s just a matter of will power. And guts. Yes, a lot of those.
Sister black sheep with her line of geese following all over town. Causing a ruckus with his hands on me and you’re screaming to be let out. My eyes are vacant when I fake it, and I’m bruising like a tracked up carnival clown. Harry hard luck and Anna fuck up are killing bottles of bourbon on the the balcony, daring each other to jump off and land on their feet. But we aren’t as invincible as we believe we are. And cats will die the first time they are hit by a car. I’m not being cynical just realistic. Fix me a station wagon and drive to some place that we’ve never heard of. We can play house and you’ll kiss my neck as I set the table to dine on animal flesh. And we can talk about children that we do not have and note that they never behave bad. Everything is so perfect, it’s golden, were beautiful, but its all in our heads. First place reversal, they read the line up wrong. Unpinned your ribbon and revoked your winnings. You’re just a loser with greasy hair. The judges don’t love you and you have no friends, sit in the corner and pretend.
An expired passport and a higher wave of thought. I could do it myself, I’ve got spontanity like a fever. Worm yourself out of this one. I’m crashing so I feel uneasy. You are the hunter, the deer want to eat me.
are you reading too much into this? You always leave when I’m coming down. Stop your howlin at the moon, my dear. I’m weary now. My voice is wearing out. I’ve lost to the brittlest of teeth. You’re losing focus like the lines around the sun.
And what do you hold to your name?
I found you crying in a cave. Laying soft among the Jackle and the thief. You were still, too bitter to speak.
And I know you lost a lot this year.
I see it on your face in every line.
But what’s the good to dwell my dear
The well is getting dryer all the time.
We need to cut the rocks my love, before the spiders get us. Things are about to get quite strange. I was a canonized sinner from the womb, there wasn’t really nothin that salvation could do. im lounging on pillows rolling bills into tubes, and you’re cutting the silence with a line of coke. You disgust me now so much I can’t even look you in the eyes. I want you to go, and I want you to stay.
My life’s become a void of misplaced mediocrity. I keep telling myself it will improve but I’m aware I’ve never been that honest. I hate all that I’ve become, all the people I morph into. How I can’t be myself around anyone. Then there’s all the things that stream out of my thoughtlessly spoken mouth. And everyone else is perfect, they’re worth it, but me, I can only sleep on my side at night. I don’t want to wash my hair or eat right. I’ve got flaws up to my eyebrows and bad luck in my finger tips. I’m useless and I’m lazy. Who would want this? And i still wondered Why did you stop calling? I’m foolish you’re ruthless. Is that where this is going? I don’t want to be another try hard that ends up failing. I’ve got magic by the bushels if only someone would take the time to bail me out of my night mares and insecurities. I’ve got potential stored in boxes made of creativity. But I am useless while you’re pulling me in every direction. Don’t you have enough of my integrity already? Yet I still swoon after your every move. I lay down on puddles and become your golden gate bridge at night. You want to love, you want to fight. Ijust can’t keep up with all the thoughts and the feelings, all the words I’ve been stealing. Can you find me a guillotine? I need a place to rest my head. And it’s never over till you wave the flag. I play by your rules and I listen to you brag about all the girls you’ve conned into your bed this week. I feel weak for still attempting to be your one and only but you’ll never be lonely. So what use would you have with me? I can do better, I’m letting myself down. All the nights I spend crying and scheming and dreaming could be full of adventures and memories and lessons. Instead I’m laying side ways with my face in the pillow, too busy sleeping to find a common ground.
i am only a mystery because you cannot have me. eluding your feelings like an uncertain ghost. catch me and hide me away like a back-pocket secret. save me for a rainy day. I am tired, wide awake and tired. I ache with wonder, I become carnivorous for knowledge. Thirsting to absorb everything, to continually learn and never cease. Where are all of the scholars and thinkers an mind openers? I lust to be provoked by thoughts, so prodigious and probing, with such exigency and still nothing presents itself. i am desperate for a preceptor, a being with unimaginable pools of substance just waiting to be tasted. won’t someone point me in the right direction down the path of enlightenment?